Finding a Friend

Shavuot is long over. Many have finished their 49-step-program to self improvement that began with Omer-counting from Passover to the night before Shavuot. Many used this time period to study the oral teachings of Pirke Avot, the Teachings, Chapters, or has been traditionally called, Ethics of the Fathers. I hope for all reading this, that this period was a constructive one and that it will only lead to continued soul searching and personal growth.

One classic mishnah - teaching - from Pirke Avot (I:6) mentions the obligation for every person to appoint a rav, or teacher/master; to acquire (actually purchase) a chaver, a friend or perhaps learning partner; and to judge the entirety of a person favorably (typically mistranslated as "to judge everyone favorably").

I've thought much about the difference between a rav and chaver and generally feel that it is one of empowerment. As the mishnah says, one should appoint a rav. In other words, the rav is your teacher or master only through your taking the initiative. (Is this similar to our relationship of God as King?)

A friend, by comparison, may not need such appointments. We acquire a friend through our actions, by extending ourselves or committing ourselves to supporting the relationship. The difference, I believe, is that a rav should not insert himself into a person's life without the appointment, or invitation so-to-speak. (Simply put, a rav cannot answer a sh'eilah, a legal question, without being asked.) A friend, on the other hand, may butt in without being asked and go so far as to impose his or her opinion. This personal interferance happens by virtue of their commitment to each other without any formal invitation or request.

I would add that many do not even mention the third part of this mishnah, the obligation to judge the entirety of a person favorably. Without this, there can be no rav; there can be no friend. In truth, we can never really know the entirety of a person, what goes on in their head, their full history, the forces of life that shaped their personality, so not knowing the entirety of a person would suggest...

This remarkable mishnah about our caring, non-familial relationships, perhaps the earliest of rabbinic statements on "friendship", suggests that we consider friends (and even carefully, as other statements in later mishnayot bear out as well (Pirke Avot II:13, IV:15).

Last year, a friend was discussing how Moses' father-in-law, Yitro, advised him about how he should manage his time so that he could better serve the people, Bnei Yisrael. In actuality, this classic advice of delegating responsibility was not so earth-shattering, but clearly common sense advice that anyone could have provided. As I read this portion of the Torah every year I cannot help but feel sorry for Moses that it was his father-in-law, not a friend, offering support. 

Nowhere is there any report of Moses having any friends, which got me thinking. Neither did Abraham, Isaac, or Jacob, not to mention Joseph, Aaron, Sarah, Rebecca, Rachel or Leah. How great these patriarchs and matriarchs were, yet how lacking they were to not have any friends.

There is a famous midrash (talmudic literary account) of the ushpizin, special, Sukkot 'visitors' eating a Messianic feast of the Leviathon. When it comes time to recite the opening to Birkat Ha'Mazon, the prayers that express gratitude to God for sustenance (and many other blessings), the righteous diners each disqualify themselves with one exception. Abraham sent away his son, Yishmael; Isaac gave the blessing to Jacob; Jacob married two sisters; Moses struck the rock; Joseph dallied perhaps a little too long with Mrs. Potiphar; and Aaron did not prevent the creation and worship of the eigel hazahav, Golden Calf. David, the kid who had the nerve to fight Golitath, stepped up to the plate. Though as king, David sinned with Batsheva, he did teshuvah, repentance, and claimed the credit for having taught us the value of teshuvah, which is why David then proceeds to lead the blessings.

While David called in his chit for his role in spreading the word about teshuvah, perhaps this was only made possible due to David's being the first of the ushpizin who had a friend - Jonathan, son of Saul. Perhaps none of us can learn the power of teshuvah, or the power of forgiveness until we have a true friend, from whom we might need to ask forgivenes, or maybe more challenging, whom we might need to forgive. Perhaps this is also why Yitro, in last week's Torah portion of Beha'a'lotcha, did not follow Moses when invited. A friend might have accompanied him to the ends of the desert and into the Land of Israel.

As I celebrate my birthday today I look forward to another year of empowering my rav to empower me, to another year of my own special friends butting into my life with their non-solicited advice, and to the ability to see the favor and good in all those around me.

My question for my 'friend'ly readers: Who is your friend (the one that counts)? How did he or she become your friend? What can you share with others of your relationship so that we might learn and apply to have better our friendships?